Chapter 14: All My Fault

A Standard failed.
A promise broken.
Strength of will is found.
Christina throws a tantrum.

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Day 21
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I tried not to think about last night's nightmare as I went about my morning chores. I had already come back from my daily bath and was now back in my room dressed and starting to clean up. Despite trying to keep busy my mind wouldn't settle as the nightmare carried itself past its waking boundary. The nightmare interestingly wasn't even that upsetting, but there was something about it that stuck with me. In it I was walking through the manor halls with Damien, only for Cynthia to appear around a corner, suddenly telling me I need go to my room like a good girl. I would try to ignore her and keep walking with Damien, but as I did the magical harness from our trip to the tailors would materialize around me and force me back. Somehow Damien wouldn't even notice my plight and would just keep walking forward, leaving me behind. Cynthia's voice would echo as she would speak down to me, telling me that I would never learn. Covering my ears as her voice boomed around me, I would get up and race to catch up with Damien, somehow escaping the harness and getting away from the sorceress and her booming voice that would fade into the distance as I ran. As soon as I caught up with him, Damien would notice me once more, asking where I went. Saying nothing I would continue walking with Damien, but as we walked as soon as I would start to settle Cynthia would appear behind another corner, taunting me and ordering me to my room once again; and the cycle would repeat. 

I had all but abandoned trying to figure out what any of these nightmare's meant. Each night was something different, and nothing about them was ever clear. The best I could tell all my brain was trying to remind me exactly how much being here scared me, and that I didn't have the faintest idea of what to do. 

I was on autopilot making my bed as the dreams ran through my mind, barely paying any attention to the task at all. Though even when I was paying attention it wasn't like I was putting much effort into it, making my bed was a formality for the sake of others, not my own.

As I was nearly finished with the task the door to my room opened, and in walked one of the maids who worked in the house. Dressed in the usual black dress with white lace, her hair was pulled back into a neat bun. I might have seen her once or twice as I shadowed Cynthia around the house, though I couldn't be sure. I certainly had no idea of her name. The girl strode into my room, and as she did I couldn't help but wonder why exactly she was here. I had never experienced one of the staff coming into my room like this, I wasn't even sure if I should be offended by it or not. As she saw me doing my chores, her shriveled her nose and looked up at me in disgust.

"That looks terrible! Who taught you to dress your bed like that? You're doing it all wrong." She chastised as she folded her arms across her body. Shaking her head she then walked forward and pulled all the sheets and blankets off the mattress before balling them up and placing them in front of me. "That's in no way suitable for Madam Southgards standards. Start again." She ordered.

I stood in shock for a moment, having no idea how to react to the situation. Part me wanted to snap, and I could feel the blood pressure in my temple rising as a result. Even beyond the fact that I had never been ordered around by a housemaid before, that she had just completely undone all my work to make my bed greatly irritated me. I didn't even want to make it in the first place!

I took a deep breath in and tried to steady myself. Trying to think about it, even if I wanted to lash out at the servant girl, I knew what happened each time I had lashed out before. And in the end I would have to make my bed again regardless, otherwise there was no doubt my guardians would be displeased. I picked the ball of sheets and blankets off my bed and placed them to the floor beside me, and slowly started the process again. As I went about dressing the mattress I tried my best to breath deeply in . . . and out, keeping my frustration in check.

As I continued with the task I worked my best to try make it the way that Rowan had shown me, hoping to avoid being belittled any further. As I started to drape the top sheet across the mattress the maid shook her head in frustration and once more ripped it away, pulling it out of my hands. "No, again you're doing it all wrong. Start again." She ordered, once more throwing the balled up sheet on the bed in front of me. 

This time I had enough. I tried to be amicable and do as the maid asked, but she was making the menial task needlessly impossible. It wasn't her place to watch me, and it certainly wasn't her place to destroy my work like that.

I stomped my foot on the ground and threw my hands to my sides. "No!" I yelled back. "I'm not going to do it again, go away!"

The servant girl raised her eyebrow as she looked at me bewildered. "Excuse me? All beds in the house need to be dressed to Madam Southgard's satisfaction, yours is no different."

 I looked back to her, and I could feel the anger that I had held down rising in me once again. In the moment I knew that I couldn't admonish her and put the girl in her place, but at the very least I could refuse her false authority. "No!" I yelled back, stomping my foot again for emphasis. "You're not in charge of me, and I'm not going to do it again!" I spoke, forcing my eyes shut. Almost in instinct I found myself stomping my feet as I spoke, again and again, feeling less in control of myself each time. But in the moment it didn't matter. This maid barged into my room, started making demands of me, and when I tried to follow them told me that I wasn't good enough. I hated her, and I wanted her gone. I wanted her gone so bad.

Snap.

As the ringing sound reached my ears I threw my eyes wide open in shock and realization. While hidden from view behind the housemaid before me, from over her shoulder I could see the slim manicured hand that the sound had come from. At nearly the same time the servant girl stepped to the side and looked back, revealing Cynthia to be leaning up against the door frame to my room, clearly having watched events unfold.

Once more I threw my head down in shame, realizing just how badly I had acted. I had just told this girl that she wasn't in charge of me, but Cynthia on the other hand very much was. The House Mistress strode forward into my room, the confidence in her stride just as apparent as the disapproval on her face. The housemaid gave a nod respect to her superior as she came standing next to her, looking down on me.

"Apologies Mistress Cynthia, I was just trying to instruct Christina on how to prepare her bed each morning." Said the maid. Cynthia however keep her gaze locked at me.

"No need to apologize Camille, I've also started to notice just how lack luster Christina's morning chores have been getting. I appreciate the initiative to try to rectify the situation." Cynthia then folded her arms across her body and started to shake her head at me.

I realized just how much trouble I was in. I could feel the weight of Cynthia's disapproval barring down upon me, the sound of her snap echoing through my mind. It was my fault, all I needed to do was make my bed and I couldn't even manage to do that. I deserved what was coming.

"Christina, we made it very explicit that each morning you are to attend to your chores, and we expect you to complete them without incident." She started to rhythmically tap her foot against the soft carpet, the noise while only barely audible against the fabric reminded me of my uncontrolled stomping not moments ago. Cynthia's slow controlled beats to my own frantic childish pounding serving as the perfect metaphor. "As well we could not be more clear that you are not to raise your voice or speak disrespectfully to anyone, especially the house staff. Camille was trying to help you for gods sakes! Your actions have time and time again been completely unacceptable. We ask so very little of you and yet somehow you still refuse to learn. . ." Said Cynthia, scathing in her remarks.

Her words droned on, her admonishment only getting harsher and harsher. At the same time the maid, Camille, beside her crossed her arms and stared down at me with righteous condemnation. She knew she was right, I knew she was right, and she was watching me get my just deserts. With each word my shame grew and grew. The weight of my actions only lighter than the weight of the disappointment from those around me. I could have done better, but I didn't. Why? Why hadn't I done better?

As Cynthia continued to chastise me someone new appeared in the doorway. This time it was Rowan, poking his head in for a moment before walking in cautiously. "Apologies, I just heard stomping from downstairs. Is everything alright?" He asked, looking around the room to all parties involved, before resting his eyes at me curiously. 

Suddenly it was all too much, before he even felt it I knew exactly what was going to happen and how he would feel. Rowan was going to realize just how shamefully I had acted with Camille and how I couldn't even do the single task he himself taught me how to do. I could feel his stern disapproval before even he did. He too would see just how pathetic I was, he would realized just how much I couldn't be trusted, no mater how simple the task.

Tears welled in my eyes as I looked into Rowan's. The cautious concern on his face all but certain to vanish. I looked the floor so that at the very least I didn't have to see it happen. As I dropped my gaze, the weight of the three of them all looking down at me became so crushing that it felt real. I fell the floor below, my legs failing me like I had failed all those around me. Tears clouded my eyes as I couldn't hold back my sobs of regret. Yet another thing I couldn't manage.

I buried my head in my hands, trying to block the world from seeing me like this. In that moment I heard the shuffling of footsteps approaching and suddenly strong hands that could only be Rowans reached around my shoulders to comfort me. "Christina, are you alright?" He asked worriedly. Despite the action I knew it wouldn't be long until it was replaced by reproval. I couldn't handle it anymore, I wanted it to stop. I wanted all of it to stop.

Cynthia was the next to speak up, as I knew she would be. "She's been throwing a tantrum at Camille and been refusing to do her chores-" The sorceress began to explain, before Rowan himself interrupted her. 

"We can discuss that later Cynthia." Rowan said decisively, putting an end to the conversation. "Christina darling, can you look at me?" He asked softly.

The exchange barely reached me. In my head between my own shame spiral, the only other thing I could think of was what Lena had told me a few days before about if I ever felt scared or alone. 'I want you to know that you can always call for me and I'll be there to make it better.' I shifted my hands down slightly so I could just barely see around me. Despite Rowan's protective presence beside me, Lena was the only thing I could think about. 

"Lena. I want Lena." I spoke meekly. 

Rowan's eyes narrowed as he looked back at Cynthia cautiously. He then turned his attention back to me. "I'm sorry Christina, I didn't quite catch that. Can you say that again?" He asked of me, doing his best to treat my as gently as possible.

The thought started to grow, spreading through my head like a cancer until there was nothing else left in my mind, repeating itself over and over again. I said repeated myself, louder this time. "I want Lena, I want Lena, I want Lena!" Nearly shouting her name by the end in hopes that she would hear me just like she promised.

Rowan then turned decisively to Cynthia and Camille. "Everyone out." He said sternly, pointing towards the door. Camille gave a quick bow and rushed towards the exit, while Cynthia nodded respectfully towards Rowan and leisurely made her departure. Just before going to close the door behind herself as she left, I caught the faintest glimpse of a triumphant smirk creeping from her lips. 

Now fully alone with him and away from the crowd of judgement, Rowan still wasn't the Southgard I wanted. I covered my eyes with my hands fully once more and started to rock my body back and fourth on my toes. I continued muttering to myself the same thing over and over, nearly an obsession at this point. "I want Lena, I want Lena, I want Lena . . ."

Rowan once more placed his hand on my shoulder in support. "Lena's away today Christina. She had an important meeting to attend in the Capital and left early this morning." He said delicately, trying his best not to upset me with the news.

Hearing his words, I couldn't accept them. It didn't matter how plausible it might logically seem, everything inside of me was telling me it wasn't true. "No, that's not possible." I said, shaking my head in denial and disbelief. "She said she would always be here if I called. She promised . . ."

Rowan squeezed my shoulders in his hands as he tried to console me. "I know she would be here if she could darling." He said, trying to be as gentle as possible. "But . . . I'm sorry that she can't be." 

A rush of emotions hit me all again. It had to be my fault, the one day I couldn't keep it together. There was nobody but myself to blame, all I had to do was the bare minimum and even that escaped me. I broke down crying once more, barely finding breath between my sobs. Despite that in-between heaves I forced out the words that now dominated my mind.

"Why can't I do anything right?" 

For a moment I felt Rowans hands pull back off me in hesitation. But after a few moments of sobbing I once again felt his touch return, but differently than before. Now I felt his powerful arms wrap around me, taking hold and picking me up again like I had felt him do days before on our trip to the tailors office, though this time he didn't simply lift me to my feet. Supporting my weight with one arm against his body he pulled my hand off my face and looped it around his own shoulders, getting me to support part of myself on him. As I felt the sudden shift of my weight, now suspended only by Rowan, I quickly reached my other arm around him to cling tight, wrapping my legs around him as well as I tried my best to support myself and not fall. Though I realized after a moment that it wasn't necessary, as Rowan now used his grip to pull me in closely, holding me steady with one arm underneath and the other running across my back, leaning my head over his shoulder.

The shock of the action mixed with Rowan's still startling strength worked to pull me from my hysterics. My heaving sobs drew soft, now only snorting back tears and heaving in for breath. My flood of emotions now at bay, at least for the time being. 

Rowan now carrying me in his arms continued to gently rub my back as he spoke. "It's okay darling, I promise it's all right." He said softly, nearly whispering in my ear. "Its okay if sometimes others ask too much of you. We can see that you're trying, and that's what matters." 

Still holding back small sobs, I realized a moment ago his words would have bounced off me, but now I started to really hear them. I could feel the warmth of his body, the steady grip of his arms around me, and the Rhythmic beat of his heart through his chest. The sensory feeling of it all felt like it bled deep past my skin. As he held me something about his words felt different. He said everything was okay. . . was he right?

Rowan started to turn around still holding me in his arms. Walking past my disheveled bed that had been the cause all this in the first place. "If all of this really is too much for you, thats okay. Now that we know that, we wont force you to try again. We can take care of it for you." He said gently. I looked back at my bed and the sheets that were now scattered across the bed and floor. In that moment I felt that small tingle deep in the back of my head had returned. Was it too much for me? The tingle slowly faded away as I thought back to the entire chain of events that led to me where I was now. The look of disappointment of everyone's faces, Cynthia's snap, Lena's absence. My eyes drifted away from the mess of pillows and sheets that I had made as I gazed out the window in front of me. Maybe it was too much. . .

Rowan neared the edge of my room, still carrying me in his arms, his hand now gently stroking the back of my head as he calmed me. "Now, its about time for breakfast, why don't we get you something to eat?" He offered, crossing the threshold. 

As I gazed out the window into the early morning light, my eyes fixated on something. There was a tree clearly visible from my window, and atop that tree my eyes focused in on a bird resting in its highest branches. Its jet black feathers nearly looking like shining silk under the early morning sun, cutting across the green leaves as its sharp obsidian tail twitched in the wind. It was only sitting for a shadow of a second before suddenly it spread its dark ink drenched wings, and escaped into the air. Despite the mere moment that it had caught my attention, the bird was unmistakable. A Raven.

Something about the bird shocked me to my senses, and just as Rowan took his first steps out into the hall I pulled my arms back from around his shoulders and pushed off of him. "Let me down!" I yelled defiantly.

Startled by the sudden shift, Rowan obliged and quickly crouched down just enough for my legs to find their own support on the floor beneath me. As he released me I scurried back a few steps before explaining myself, remembering to lighten my tone. "I don't need to be carried. I can walk by myself, I'm not a baby. . ." I said sheepishly gripping my own arm in self consciousness, ashamed of what I had nearly let him do.

Rowan looked at me for a moment in a way I couldn't quite identify, before giving me a small smile and nod. "Of course Christina. You just seemed a bit fragile, so I thought you might need some help." He then nodded in the direction he had been headed, and started walking that way himself. I gave my own clothes a quick pat down to compose myself and took a step to start walking with him. "Of course," He continued. "I hope you know that it's okay if you ever feel like you need someone to take care of you Christina." He said smiling courteously. "Nobody here would think any less of you."  

I paused for a moment, stopping in my tracks as his words sunk in. Remembering the visceral feeling of being safe in Rowans arms. The warmth of his body, the security of his grip. Would it be so bad to let Rowan take care of me like that? I looked back into my room behind me, the scattered sheets and unkept bed. Beyond that I looked back out my window to the tree where the raven had perched moments ago, it was the same tree I had been sitting under the day I met Damien. I thought back to the gardener. He had looked at me and spoken to me like nobody else during my time here with the Southgards. I had to think of how he would look at me if he saw me sniffling back tears and being carried in Rowans arms, all after failing to make my own bed. . . Would Damien think less of me?

"Christina? Will you be joining us?" Rowan called back as he realized I had fallen behind.

I sighed to myself before reaching out and shutting the door to my room, closing off everything that happened there this morning from my mind and trying to focus on the here and now. "Coming!" I called back as I hurried after my guardian.